


A Hand to Hold

by RainbowMartin



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Autistic Character, Autistic Logan, Doctor Who References, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 20:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20180569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowMartin/pseuds/RainbowMartin
Summary: Patton befriends an isolated boy at his high school and soon develops feelings for him that aren’t just friendship. Navigating a relationship of any kind with Logan Barry isn’t easy, but it sure is worth it!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> come chat w/me on tumblr @rainbow-sides

Patton had been watching the new boy closely ever since he had come to Sandersville High School. The boy was fairly quiet except when called on to answer a question in class (which he almost always answered correctly). He seemed to only have one type of outfit, which he wore every day with only slight variations, a different pattern of tie or a long-sleeve button down when it was cold. His name was Logan Barry, which Patton only knew because that was how their history teacher had introduced him on the first day that Logan came to class. He had never actually spoken to him.

The reason that Patton watched him so closely was because he could tell that Logan was getting bullied. The intelligent boy always seemed to have it under control, but Patton wanted to make sure that if he ever needed someone to step in and help him, there would be someone there. Patton had plenty of practice dealing with bullies, and hardly anybody would dare continue teasing someone that Patton stood up for. They all knew who Patton’s best friend was, and Virgil Casy had a...well, an intimidating reputation.

“You're staring at that Barry kid again,” Virgil stated. “Pat?”

“Hm?” Patton responded absently. “I just think he looks lonely, sitting there reading his book all by himself at lunch.”

“Or maybe he's just an introvert who would rather not talk to anyone. Ever thought about that?” Roman chimed in, taking a bite out of the chocolate bar he had brought in his lunch.

“Even introverts need friends, Roman!”

“He only moved here a month ago,” Virgil pointed out. “He probably still has friends from his old school, maybe he's still in touch with them online.”

“Still.” Patton shifted, gazing thoughtfully at the boy sitting alone on the floor in the corner of the lunchroom. “Also, have you noticed that he hardly ever actually has lunch? He eats a granola bar and maybe an apple and that's it.”

“It's ever-so-slightly creepy that you've noticed that, my dear dad friend,” Roman informed him.

“If you're that worried about the dude, maybe you should talk to him.” Virgil shrugged. “‘Cause, y’know, I'm certainly not gonna just walk over to a stranger and start a conversation.”

“You're right!” Patton proclaimed, loud enough that Virgil flinched. “Sorry--but you're right, I'll go talk to him.” Before his friends could respond, Patton grabbed his lunch and walked over to the corner where Logan was sitting. “Hi there! Is this seat taken?”

“If by ‘seat’, you mean the area of floor in front of me, then no, it is not occupied.” Logan didn't look up from his book while he was talking.

Patton couldn't quite read him. His voice was slightly monotonous, and he didn't make eye contact. Patton wasn't sure if Logan had understood what he was actually asking, or if he was being rhetorical in return. “Uh...yeah, okay! Can I sit with you, kiddo?”

“I believe I am three months older than you, which means that the term ‘kiddo’ probably doesn't apply to me.”

For a second, Patton wondered how on earth Logan knew how old he was. Then he remembered that he had brought cupcakes to school on his birthday three weeks ago and had given them to everyone in his class, including Logan. “You've got a good memory! Okay, I won't call you kiddo, that's fine. But can I sit with you?”

“I don't see any reason why you can't.” Still, Logan hadn't looked up from his book. Patton was beginning to feel a bit sad. Maybe Logan really didn't want the company.

“Um...if you don't want me to sit with you, that's okay, you can just tell me. I won't be hurt, I promise.”

“Oh, you were asking if I wanted you to sit here. I apologize, I think I may have misunderstood.” Logan nodded at him. “I have no objections, Patton.”

Patton sat down, a bit hesitant. “Well, there goes introducing myself! Haha.”

“Why would you need to introduce yourself? We've been in a class together for a month, it's not as if I wouldn't know your name.”

“Well, I just haven't...talked to you yet? It's…” Patton faltered. “I guess you're right!” He began to notice that even though Logan was still staring down at his book, his eyes had stopped moving as soon as Patton had started talking to him. “Whatcha reading? Oh, hang on, that says Doctor Who on the cover! I thought it was just a TV show?”

Logan sat up a little taller. “It's a canon companion novel called  _ Dark Horizons _ by Jenny T. Colgan, written about the Eleventh Doctor. There are dozens of canon novels as well as audiobooks, radio dramas, comics, and graphic novels that tie into the TV show in an extended universe, though whether or not all of it should truly be considered canon is up for debate amongst the community.”

“Wow,” Patton said, impressed and a little bit surprised by how quickly and eagerly Logan had spoken.

But Logan looked more subdued now and didn't say anything in return.

“That's awesome that you know that,” Patton added after a moment. “You sound like my friend Roman when he talks about musicals.”

Still, Logan said nothing.

“Um, hey, so I was wondering if you'd like half of my sandwich? I noticed that you, um, only had a granola bar today and I thought you might be hungry,” Patton offered.

“No, thank you.”

“Oh, okay!” Patton bit his lip. “Are you sure you're okay with me sitting here?”

Logan ran his fingers up and down the spine of his book in a slightly nervous movement. “If you're making fun of me, you're doing it in a much different way than I'm used to, so I can't tell.”

Patton’s eyes widened. “Oh! No, no, I'm not making fun of you! I'm sorry if I said something that made you think I was! I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean, you sit here alone every day, and I thought...I don't know, you might want a friend?”

“A friend?” Logan echoed. “A friend. A friend? Really?”

Unsure of how to respond to that, Patton just nodded.

“Well, that's new,” Logan mumbled. “But to the rational mind, nothing is inexplicable, only unexplained.”

“That's...um, that's an interesting thing to say!”

“The 4th Doctor,  _ Robots of Death,  _ December 1976 to January 1977 _ . _ But you want to be my friend? Why?” Logan asked.

“‘Cause, um, I like making friends? And I don't like it when people are lonely, it makes me sad. Do you  _ want _ a friend?” Patton had to ask.

“I don't know. It seems like it would be a pleasant thing in fiction, but I have no frame of reference in real life,” replied Logan.

Patton’s heart ached slightly. He didn't really want to feel sorry for Logan, because he knew how much being pitied could sting. But he couldn't help but feel a pang of sympathy, since it sounded as if Logan had never really had a friend before. “It's really nice, I think. Wanna try? I'd really like to be your friend.”

“A-alright. Yes, that sounds good.”

“Great!” Patton avoided squealing with delight, not wanting to scare Logan. “Can I give you my phone number? Lunch is almost over, and I was thinking maybe I'd text you about coming over for a movie or something this weekend?”

“Yes, sure.” Logan took his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it, and handed it to Patton, who quickly put his number in as the bell rang.

“Text me!” Patton said cheerfully.

“I will. Thank you.” Logan put on his backpack, standing up.

Patton followed suit. “Talk to you later!” he said. He rushed back across the lunchroom to where Roman and Virgil were waiting for him to go to math together.

Logan hadn't looked up from his book once during their conversation. That struck Patton as being slightly odd, but then, everything Logan had said was kinda odd. That was fine. Patton would figure out how to talk to him, hopefully preventing any future misunderstandings like Logan assuming he was making fun of him.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Hello, this is Logan Barry. -Unknown number _

_ Hi!!!!! 😊 I'm glad you texted me! -P _

_ This is Patton Hart, correct? -L _

_ Yep, that's me! -P _

_ Good, I had hoped you did not give me an incorrect number. -L _

_ I wouldn't do that! So, interested in coming over and watching a movie, like on Saturday? -P _

_ I think I would like that. -L _

_ We can watch p much anything you want! I have so many movies, and Netflix, or you could bring one if you have something I don't. -P _

Logan didn't respond for quite a while. Patton figured he had gotten busy and continued working on his math homework, glaring at it when it got frustrating.

_ Do you like Big Hero 6? -L _

Patton grinned and picked up his phone again.

_ I do! I haven't seen it in a while, and I don't think I have that one on DVD, do you? -P _

_ Yes. It is my favorite Disney movie. -L _

_ That's great! Want to come over at around 4pm? -P _

_ Yes, I can do that. -L _

_ See you then! -P _

When Logan got there on Saturday afternoon, Patton did a double take. He had never seen Logan wear anything other than the usual tie and black shirt, but today he was wearing a soft dark blue hoodie and jeans. He also had a necklace on, a strange black rubber pendant shaped like...well, Patton wasn't sure exactly  _ what  _ it was supposed to look like. He hadn't really thought of Logan as a jewelry person, though now that he thought about it, he had seen Logan wearing a ring on his right middle finger a few times. He was wearing it today, too.

“Hi, come on in!” Patton greeted. He gestured Logan inside.

“Hello,” Logan said, a bit stiffly. He seemed unsure of himself. “I brought the movie.”

“Great! Hey, do you like popcorn? I've got popcorn and a few other snacks, um, some M&Ms and Skittles and I told my mom we might order pizza, so there's that option too,” Patton said. “We don't usually have a lot of snack food in the house, sorry, but what we do have, you're welcome to! And, um, I'm sorry, I ramble when I get nervous.”

“You're nervous?” Logan asked. He was looking over Patton’s shoulder, seemingly staring at the wall, but when Patton glanced back, there was nothing there. “Why?”

“I don't know,” confessed Patton. “I want you to like me, and...I guess I'm worried that you don't.” He figured that being honest was probably the best way to go. He got the feeling that Logan wouldn't get it if he just hinted at it.

“I apologize for giving you that impression. I'm told I do that a lot. I do like you.” Logan shrugged. He twisted at the ring on his finger. “I'm a bit robotic, people say.”

Patton smiled warmly. “I don't think you're robotic.”

“That is unusual.”

“Do you want any of the snacks I mentioned?” Patton repeated.

“I ate before coming here,” Logan answered. “I'm...particular, about the food I eat. But M&Ms are good.”

“I think so, too! Do you want to put the movie in? The TV is just over there, I'll grab the M&Ms.” Patton waited for Logan's nod before running to the kitchen and grabbing the big jar of M&Ms off the counter.

Logan had already gotten the menu screen up by the time Patton got back to the living room. “I apologize in advance, I tend to recite the lines along with the movie,” he said from where he was perched in the corner of the couch, his legs tucked up underneath him.

“Oh, that's okay! I talk during movies sometimes, too, and so do pretty much all my friends. I don't mind. You know every line?” Patton asked curiously.

“I usually only need to watch something three times before I have it memorized,” Logan said. “I've seen this many more than that.”

“Wow! Okay, let's watch!”

The movie was just as good as Patton remembered. He only actually watched the screen half the time. The other half, he was watching Logan. Just as he had said, his mouth moved along with almost every word in the movie. It was mostly silent, only occasionally becoming loud enough that Patton could hear it. When Logan wasn't talking, he had the pendant of his necklace in his mouth, either just running it along his lips or nibbling at the narrower parts. Patton was curious, but he said nothing until the movie was over.

There was a tiny smile on Logan's face as he watched the credits, something Patton hadn't seen on him before. It was nice. After the disc had been placed back into its case, they sat together in comfortable silence for a minute.

“Are you wondering about my necklace?” Logan asked abruptly.

“A little,” Patton admitted.

“It's made to be chewed, it's food-grade silicon. The shape is a 3D representation of a 4D concept shape called a Klein bottle. Do you know what a Möbius strip is?” asked Logan.

“Can't say that I do.”

“A Möbius strip is a surface formed from a rectangular, 2 dimensional plane twisted 180° and attached at the ends so it has only one side. Do you have a piece of paper? I can show you,” Logan said.

Patton opened a drawer in the cupboards underneath the TV and pulled out some plain printer paper. He handed Logan a sheet. “What now?”

Logan carefully tore a thin strip off the paper, about an inch and a half wide. “Technically, this is three dimensional, so it isn't a true Möbius strip, but it gets the point across.” He twisted the paper so that the ends were connected, but there was a twist in the paper. “Trace your finger all along the length.”

Trailing his fingertip along the flat of the paper, Patton realized what Logan was talking about. He could make a complete loop across the entire surface with his finger never lifting or switching to the other side. “Oh! Oh, that's neat!”

“A Klein bottle is that, but four dimensional,” Logan finished.

“I love it, that's so neat. So that's what the pendant is?” Patton asked.

“Roughly. Like I said, a true Klein bottle is four dimensional, and this is obviously only three. It's just a representation.”

“Where did you get it?” Patton wondered.

“A company called Stimtastic. It makes stim jewelry and other stim toys.” Logan held up his right hand, showing Patton the ring on his finger. It was flat and made of stainless steel. Part of it looked like it would spin independent of the rest of the ring, and tiny planets were etched into the metal. “A spinner ring. I have other items from the company as well, but I generally keep them at home. These are more surreptitious.”

“What are they for?” Patton asked.

“They're stim toys. Um, sensory regulation tools, made for autistic people.”

Patton wasn't sure if his next question was going to overstep boundaries, but he had to ask it. “Are you autistic?”

“Yes,” Logan answered him. “Is that a surprise to you?”

“I...honestly don't know enough about autism to say,” Patton said.

“It's a neurotype generally identifiable by certain social characteristics, as well as secondary traits such as sensory processing disorder and intense interests in specific subjects,” Logan informed him.

“Oh.” Patton nodded. “And, um, that's you?”

“That's me,” Logan confirmed. “My mother is going to be here in a minute to pick me up, I should wait outside for her.”

“Oh, sure! I'll wait with you.” The change of subject was fairly abrupt, and Patton wasn't sure if that meant that Logan wanted to stop talking about it. 

As they stood in the driveway waiting for Logan's mother, Logan started talking again. “I had assumed that you already knew I was autistic, because people are only kind to me when they know. Otherwise, I am simply labelled as weird, and weirdness is a target for cruelty. I had to move schools because of that.”

“I'm sorry,” Patton said sincerely. “I know how that feels, to be targeted for being weird.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, well...I've always been a pretty effeminate guy. People have known I was gay since elementary school.” Patton shrugged. “I never had it too bad. I let most of it roll off me, and didn't take it to heart.” He giggled. “ _ Hart. _ Like my name.”

“A pun?” Logan considered it. “Wordplay is an intelligent form of humor.”

“I think I'll take that as a compliment. Most people just groan.” Patton smiled and added, “But yeah, I know what it's like to be seen as different.”

“I ignore it as well. I'm generally content with keeping to myself, and it is not nearly as severe here as it was at my old school. At least nobody hits me here.” It was how casually he said it that got to Patton, and made his eyes well up with tears. Luckily, Logan didn't notice. “There's my mother's car. Thank you, Patton, this was...fun.”

Patton considered giving him a hug. He usually hugged his friends goodbye, but he decides that he might have to wait a little longer with Logan to figure out his comfort zone and boundaries. He settled for offering a high five, which Logan returned a little hesitantly. “See you on Monday, Logan! I might text you before then!”

“Goodbye, Patton. I'll see you on Monday.” Logan climbed into the passenger seat of the small silver car and it drove away while Patton waved cheerily.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains bullying, ableism, and homophobia

Patton was so busy with homework and his job at the pet store on Sunday that he forgot to text Logan. He realized that on Monday morning. Worried that Logan might think he had forgotten about him, he resolved to talk to him before US history that morning.

Logan was sitting in his seat at the front of the classroom when Patton got there. He was once again wearing his polo shirt and tie, reading a book, and idly spinning the planet ring on his finger. Patton stepped in front of the desk to get his attention.

“Hi!” he said. “I'm really sorry I didn't text you, I got so busy.”

“It's fine, you said you ‘might’ text me, which implies uncertainty.”

“Right--did you finish this chapter's outline for class today? It took me like four hours!”

“They usually take me two hours, but this one was slightly longer than average. I completed it in two hours and twenty minutes,” Logan said.

“You must read pretty fast, then?” Patton asked curiously. “That's a different book than the one you had on Friday.”

“I read 750 words per minute, which is significantly higher than the national average,” Logan replied.

“I have no idea how many words per minute I read,” Patton said. “But that does sound pretty darn fast! A speed reader, huh? That's cool. Hey, what would you call it if every word you read at that speed disappeared after you read it?”

Logan frowned, thinking about it. “I'm not sure I understand the question.”

“You'd be e- _ race _ -ing it!” Patton giggled.

A few seconds’ pause, and then Logan's eyes lit up. “Oh, because  _ race _ implies going fast, and  _ erasing _ is what is happening to the words. Clever.”

Patton couldn't help but feel proud. “Well, I am the Punmaster! Nobody actually calls me that. I wish they did, that would be awesome.” The bell rang. “See you after class!” He rushed to his seat.

At lunch that day, Patton immediately headed over to Logan's corner. Logan had gotten there already, and he was sitting and eating his granola bar with his book out.

“Hey, Logan, do you want to come sit at the table with a couple of my friends and me?” Patton offered.

Logan bit at his lip. “Sitting at the tables is too loud for me. I prefer being as far away from the crowd as possible.”

“Oh, that makes sense! Well, we could come sit with you if you wanted? I think you'd like Virgil and Roman.”

“I have AP Biology with Virgil,” Logan said. “He's very intelligent.”

“He really is! So, can we sit with you?”

“Alright,” Logan said. He was rubbing at the spine of his book again, which Patton had come to know was a sign of nervousness.

“If you'd rather be alone, that's okay, too,” Patton made sure he knew.

“No, I would like you to sit here,” Logan said quickly.

“Great! I'll, um, tell Roman to keep his volume down. He can get a bit loud sometimes.”

“I appreciate that,” Logan said.

So Patton went and got Roman and Virgil, telling them not to bicker too loudly and to be nice to each other because, “We don't want Logan to think we're mean, do we?”

“It's all in good fun,” Roman protested, nudging Virgil with his elbow.

“Hey, watch it, Princey!”

“That's exactly what you are  _ not _ going to do,” Patton scolded. “I really like him, and I don't want you to scare him away. Got it?”

“Yes, Patton,” the other two sighed in unison.

“We understand, dad,” Virgil teased gently.

“Yeah, dad, we're good kids!” Roman added.

Patton rolled his eyes. “Oh, my children, you wound me by lying so.” They were all laughing when they sat down by Logan, giving him a bit of space so he wouldn't feel crowded.

“Hey, I'm Roman! I go by Princey,” Roman said, holding out his hand to shake.

Logan shook his hand briefly, holding onto his book with the other hand. “Why Princey?” he asked.

“Um, my last name is Prince? So it just kind of happened that way,” Roman replied.

“And you let it?”

Virgil snickered behind his hand. “Dang, Princey, he got you there.”

“Shut up,” Roman muttered. To Logan, he added, “I don't mind it. I played the prince in  _ Into the Woods _ a couple years ago, which kind of solidified the nickname.”

“Theater, then? Well, Patton did tell me you liked musicals,” Logan mused.

“Oh, hey, Virge, you watch Doctor Who, right?” Patton interjected. “Logan was reading a Doctor Who book the other day.”

“Oh, man, you've got the novels?” Virgil said excitedly.

“I have a lot of them, yes,” Logan responded.

“I've only read a couple, but they've all been really good so far. Which one were you reading?” asked Virgil.

“I doubt you really want me to start talking about it,” Logan said hesitantly.

“Listen, Doctor Who is one of the few things left in life that give me any sort of hope in humanity,” Virgil said. “I'm usually the one who has to make sure I don't talk about it too long and embarrass myself. Something tells me you won't laugh at me for it.”

Patton sat back and listened as Logan and Virgil talked about Doctor Who for the whole lunchtime. Even Roman seemed pretty interested in their conversation. By the time the bell rang, Logan seemed so much more comfortable with them. He had even closed his book, though he still held it in his hands and didn't look up. He exchanged numbers with Virgil and Roman before they all went off to their next classes.

That became a regular lunchtime routine over the next couple of weeks. Patton was absolutely thrilled about how well his new friend got along with his old friends. Logan still never really looked at any of them when they were talking, but Patton did a bit of Googling and figured out that autistic people were often made very uncomfortable by eye contact. That was confirmed for him when Roman made an offhand comment about it one day. Logan patiently explained to him that just because he wasn’t looking at them, that didn’t mean he wasn’t listening.

In their history classroom together before school a week or so later, one of their classmates came up to them. A couple of his friends stood behind him, laughing. “Hey, Patton, why are you hanging out with the robot?” the boy, Sean, said.

Patton bristled. “He’s not a robot. Leave us alone, Sean.”

“Oooh, I’m sorry,” Sean mocked. “I meant, hey, queer, why are you hanging out with the retard?”

“Those aren’t very nice things to say to a person,” Patton reproached, making sure he was positioned between Sean and Logan.

“Lucky neither of you are  _ people _ , then. Just a f** and a freak.”

Patton reached behind him, grabbing Logan’s hand. “Oh, go away, Sean. Nobody is impressed by your immature comments.”

Sean gestured to their interlocked hands. “Is he your new boyfriend? Couldn’t get a real boy to like you after the last one, so you went for the freak who’s probably never had an emotion in his life. Does that make it easier to kiss him? Does he feel cold, like the robot he is?”

Refusing to give Sean the satisfaction of knowing he was hurt, Patton said firmly, “I think you should go sit down in your seat. Maybe start reading the chapter, since I know you didn’t do the homework. You might even be able to answer a question that Ms. Yin asks, wouldn’t that be nice? That is, of course, if you know  _ how _ to read, which is questionable.”

One of Sean’s friends snorted, then covered her face when he looked back at her and glared. “You can make whatever dumb comebacks you want, Patton. You’re still the one who is so desperate for friends after getting your pathetic heart broken that you take on this charity case here. Go back to your other gay friends. At least they have feelings, even if they’re disgusting ones.” He turned and went to the other side of the classroom before Patton could answer.

Patton bit his lip hard to stop it from trembling.

“Patton--” Logan said softly.

“Don’t,” Patton interrupted. “Don’t say anything, please, Logan, or I’m gonna start crying and I really don’t want to do that right now.”

Logan didn’t say anything more. He kind of squeezed Patton’s hand, and then let go. “Bell’s about to ring.”

“Thanks.” Patton went to his seat, sitting down just as the bell rang.

He spent the class period in a bit of a daze, doing his best not to cry. He went off to his next class, avoiding Logan in the hallway. He felt absolutely awful about doing that, knowing that Logan might be upset by Sean’s words as well, but he really couldn’t talk to anyone yet. A few tears slipped their way out of his eyes in Geology, but he wiped them away before anyone saw them.

Instead of going right to the lunchroom after his third class of the day, he went to the bathroom and locked himself in one of the stalls, standing there and trying to calm down for several minutes. He took his phone out of his backpack and saw that he had a few texts.

_ hey, Logan kinda just told us what happened -V _

_ come find us, pat -V _

_ where are you????? -V _

_ You seemed very upset this morning, I think. Roman and Virgil might have an easier time helping you than I would. -L _

_ Patty, please come talk to us <3 <3 <3 -R _

_ okay, it’s been 10 minutes since lunch started, where r u????? we’re worried! -V _

_ pat, u gotta tell us that ur okay, please -V _

Patton sniffed back tears and opened their group chat.

_ I’m ok, guys. -P _

_ Sorry for worrying you -P _

_ Okay but where are you?!?!?! -R _

Patton hesitated. Did he really want company? He decided he should probably talk to them.

_ I’m in the bathroom, I’ll be right outside the math building by that tree. Can’t handle the lunchroom, sorry. -P _

_ Okay, honey, we’re coming <3 -R _

After splashing his face with some water, Patton left the bathroom and waited by the tree, sitting down and wrapping his arms around his knees. He closed his eyes.

“Patty?” Roman said quietly. Three sets of footsteps were approaching him, and a gentle hand touched his shoulder. “Patty, c’mon, talk to us.”

Patton opened his eyes and looked at Logan. “I’m sorry, Lo, I...I’m sorry, he wouldn’t have been so mean to you if I hadn’t been there.”

Logan sat down next to him, their shoulders brushing. “I couldn't care less what they say about me. It doesn’t affect me like it does to you. But he would not have targeted you like he did if I had not been talking to you.”

“I know he was only doing it to hurt me, I sh-shouldn’t be…” Patton hid his face.

“You’re right, he was doing it to hurt you,” Virgil said softly. “And you were hurt. He’s lucky I wasn’t there when it happened, but I’m still considering hunting him down and punching him.”

“Please don’t,” Patton said, and his voice broke. “He’s not worth it.”

“But  _ you _ are.”

The earnestness in his best friend’s voice made Patton shake with a sob. “It’s j-just, he said…”

“Logan told us what he said,” Roman told him.

“I d-don’t care when they tease me about being gay,” Patton insisted. “It was just, he mentioned  _ him _ , and...but also he was saying horrible things about Logan! And Logan, you might not be affected by that, but I was!”

“I apologize,” Logan said.

“You have nothing to apologize for!” Patton sobbed. He felt Roman pull him into his arms.

“Shhh, Patty, it’s okay,” murmured Roman.

“It’s not okay! People are horrible!” Patton wailed, but he let Roman hug him. He buried his face in Roman’s warm red sweater and finally let out the tears he had been holding in all morning. He felt someone take his hand. Thinking it was Virgil, he squeezed it tightly and looked up. But it was Logan who had taken his hand, looking the other direction and sitting very still. Virgil was kneeling in front of him. “Thanks, Lo,” he whispered.

“There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe,” mumbled Logan, and Patton recognized the voice he used when he was quoting something. “You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold.”

“That’s a good one, Logan,” Virgil said. “10th Doctor?”

Logan nodded.

“You’ve got good quotes, Lo,” Patton sniffed.

“Easier to script with things I’ve memorized.”

Patton squeezed his hand again and put his head back down on Roman’s shoulder, still crying quietly. Virgil handed him a tissue. They all sat there for the whole of lunch. Patton stopped crying after a few minutes, but he appreciated that Roman didn’t let go of him. He definitely still needed that comfort.

“You guys want to come to my house after school?” Roman offered. “I think a cheering-up session of Disney movies and cookie baking is in order.”

“Sure,” Virgil agreed.

“Padre?” Roman asked, nudging Patton gently.

“Yeah, that sounds great.” Patton tried to smile at him. There was a pause, waiting for Logan to respond. When it became clear that he wasn’t going to answer, Patton prompted, “Logan, can you come?”

“Oh, the invitation was extended to me as well?” Logan said, startled.

“Of course,” Roman said. “You’re always invited.”

“I didn’t understand, I apologize.”

“You’re good, specs,” Roman said affectionately. “But can you come?”

“Yes, I should be able to. I’ll check with my mother.”

“Hey, and it’s Friday!” Roman exclaimed. “You guys could stay the night if you wanted!”

“Sure, but I have to leave pretty early in the morning to get to work,” Patton said. He nestled closer to Roman and added, “Thanks, for everything.”

“Always, padre.” Roman kissed his forehead, which made him smile and giggle quietly. Patton was tired and drained from crying, but he felt a lot better. “I’ve gotcha.”


	4. Chapter 4

A quiet playlist of music that the four of them had collaborated on was playing in the background. The movie marathon had come to a conclusion about an hour ago, when they had all agreed they were too tired to keep watching. Roman had been the first to fall asleep, draped over half of the couch with Virgil curled up on the other half. Patton and Logan were laying in a nest of blankets and pillows on the living room floor.

Unsure of whether Logan was asleep or not, Patton rolled over to look more closely. Logan’s eyes opened.

“Can’t sleep?” Patton whispered.

“I have never done this before,” Logan admitted. “Never slept over at someone else’s house.”

“Oh, yeah. It’s hard to sleep in a new place.” Patton shifted closer to him so they could talk quietly enough that they wouldn’t wake Virgil and Roman.

“Are you alright?” Logan asked. “About what happened this morning.”

“Yeah, I’m…” Patton shrugged. “I’m okay.”

“I have a hard time knowing if people are lying to me,” Logan stated. “I have difficulty reading facial expressions and body language.”

Patton sighed and nodded. “I’m sorry. No, I’m not... _ really _ okay. But I will be.”

“I hope I am not overstepping a boundary with my next question--please tell me if I am--but I am curious. Sean said your heart had been broken, and mentioned an old boyfriend. Later, you said the word ‘ _ him’ _ in a way that made me think you were talking about someone I didn’t know. Can you explain?” Logan asked.

With a long, shaky breath, Patton said, “A few months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had been with him for almost two years, since freshman year.”

“Ah.”

“And, um…” Patton was getting choked up again. “Sorry, it’s not easy to talk about.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, but you’re my friend. It’s something you should know. He actually moved away, a month or so before you got here. Nothing to do with me, his dad’s job relocated him to New York. But...yeah, it hasn’t really been an easy few months for me. And usually people stay away from that topic, even when they’re teasing me. But Sean didn’t, and it kinda caught me off guard.” Patton searched for a pun, wanting to make the conversation a bit lighter. He couldn’t find one.

“Why did you break up with him? You don’t have to tell me.”

“He didn’t love me anymore,” whispered Patton. “He outgrew me. It was hurting both of us to stay in the relationship, but he was going to anyway. I think...we broke each other’s hearts. Not just mine.”

“I--I don’t have a script for this.”

“That’s okay, Lo. You don’t have to say anything.”

“Can I hold your hand again?”

Patton let out a laugh that was almost a sob. “Yeah, definitely.” He reached over through the darkness to take Logan’s hand. Their fingers laced together in comfortable companionship. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Goodnight, Patton.” Logan’s breathing slowed, falling into a steady rhythm. Patton could just barely make out the outline of his face in the thin moonlight coming in from the window. He looked very peaceful. Patton smiled, tugged the blanket up further around his shoulders, and closed his eyes.

He woke up ten minutes before his alarm was set to go off and turned it off preemptively. Everyone else was still asleep. Early morning sunshine made the room seem to glow, and Patton was still holding Logan's hand. Somehow, neither of them had pulled away all night.

Patton really didn't want to have to leave. Roman’s dad made amazing pancakes for them every time they stayed over. But his shift at work started in less than an hour and he really needed the money. He quietly got up without waking anyone, letting go of Logan's hand with great reluctance. After he got dressed quickly in his work clothes, he poured himself a bowl of cereal and ate it. He still had ten minutes before he actually needed to leave, so he sat on the floor in the living room, keeping silent company with his sleeping friends.

Virgil woke up first. He sat up with the same sharp gasp and wide eyes that he almost always had upon waking.

“You're okay,” Patton murmured. He was used to this. “We're at Roman’s house, you're okay.”

“Oh. Okay, I'm good.” Virgil rubbed his eyes, smearing his leftover makeup from yesterday. He slid down to sit next to Patton on the floor. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, always. You okay?”

“I'm good now.” He put his head on Patton’s shoulder. “You have to leave soon?”

“In like, three minutes. Make sure Logan and Roman get along, okay?” Patton asked.

“I'll do my best.”

Patton buried his face in the side of Virgil’s neck. “I don’t wanna go to work,” he whined.

“But don’t you get to socialize the guinea pigs and the other rodents today?” Virgil coaxed. “You always love doing that.”

“I guess. But I love spending time with you guys more, especially after…” Patton’s voice trailed off.

“You’re still feeling kinda crappy about yesterday, huh?” Virgil pulled him close. “Sorry, Pat. It sucks. People are mean. I’m still down to fight him if you’d like.”

“I’d rather you just hugged me.” Patton took deep breaths, holding himself together and trying to mentally prepare for the day of work. Virgil was stroking his back calmingly. “I have to go.”

“I’ll come over later?” Virgil asked. “I can bring Chex.”

Patton perked up. He absolutely adored Virgil’s gorgeous black lab. She was Virgil’s psychiatric service dog for his anxiety, trained to ground him from panic attacks, remind him to take his medicine, and a few other things. She didn't usually accompany him to school or to a friend's house for a sleepover, because most of her tasks were usually only necessary when he was alone. And when she was off-duty, she was also just the sweetest, calmest, most loving dog Patton had ever met. “Logan hasn’t met Chex yet, has he?”

“No, he hasn’t. Want me to see if he wants to come over to your place tonight, too? I think Ro has rehearsal, it would just be us.”

“Sounds good.” Patton wrinkled his nose. “Okay, I really have to go now. Bye, kiddo, see you later!”

“See you, Pat, drive safe.”

Patton hopped to his feet. “Take care of yourself, kiddo.” He kissed the top of Virgil's head affectionately and rushed out to door to head to work.


	5. Chapter 5

A warm touch of sunlight was resting on Logan's cheek. He could hear laughter and quiet talking in another room. It wasn't a sound he was used to hearing in the mornings, so he sat up and rubbed his eyes. Remembering where he was, he reached instinctively for the pendant around his neck, needing something to calm his anxiety around his routine being broken. Even in a nice way, like spending the night at a friend's house (which he was still struggling to believe), a deviation from his routine gave him a little ache in his chest.

“Good morning, Logan!” Virgil called.

The pendant was gone. Where had he put it? Of course he hadn't slept in it, that would have been a choking hazard. But it wasn't on his bedside table in the tray where it usually was, obviously, because he wasn't in his bed and therefore did not have a bedside table.

“Logan?” Virgil said. He walked over to where Logan sat, frozen. “You okay, man?”

“I can't remember where I put my pendant,” Logan managed.

“Oh, is that all? You washed it off last night and put it in a container next to the sink. Remember, Roman promised you that nobody would touch it.”

“Right. I remember now.” He was waking up fully now, but his hand still kept grasping at the empty space on his chest.

“Do you want me to grab it for you?” Virgil asked, and Logan couldn't nod his head fast enough. “Okay, I'll go get it, hold tight.”

Logan tried not to chew on his lip too much as Virgil went to get the necklace. As soon as Virgil returned and held out the container, he grabbed the pendant and put it into his mouth before draping the string around his neck. Even sucking on the pendant wasn't quite soothing him enough, and he rocked forward and backward, deciding not to care about letting his friends see him full-body stim. 

He usually didn't let anyone see him rock or flap. The trained response of freezing in place and forcing himself to stop was still strong even after years, the fear of punishment so deeply ingrained that it was difficult to let himself do what was natural for him even in a safe space like this one. But rocking was making the pain lessen in his chest. His distress about the change to his routine was manageable now.

“You okay?” asked Virgil quietly.

Logan nodded. His rocking became slower and his breathing more even.

“You sure? Are you feeling anxious about something? That's kinda what it seems like to me, but, y’know, I don't always understand what it means when you do things like that. Not your fault, I just haven't figured it out yet.”

“I have a difficult time with change in my routine,” Logan said, mumbling around the pendant in his mouth. “I know how to cope with it, however. Thank you for bringing me my necklace.”

“No problem. Pat left for work almost an hour ago. Roman’s dad is making us pancakes. Do you want some? There's also toast and a few types of cereal if you don't do pancakes, I know you don't eat some kinds of food,” Virgil said.

“Pancakes are good.” Logan flicked at the ring on his finger, enjoying the soft whir of the exterior metal circlet spinning along the interior one. The texture of the etched planets was soothing on his fingertip.

“Great, we're in the kitchen when you're ready, if you want to get dressed or wash your face or anything first. Oh, you didn't talk to Roman’s dad last night, but he's cool. He's a therapist.” Virgil headed back into the kitchen.

Logan froze up with apprehension again. Nervously, he grabbed the small bag of clothes that he had brought from home to change into in the morning and went to the bathroom. At least this part of his routine he could do. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, tucked his polo shirt into his pants and tied his tie with practiced, dexterous fingers. Then he combed his hair, making sure it lay fairly flat over his forehead. Satisfied with his appearance, he headed back towards the kitchen.

“How many black polo shirts do you own?” Roman laughed as Logan walked into the room.

“Seven short sleeve and five long sleeve,” Logan replied.

“Is that the only clothes you ever wear?” Roman asked.

Logan paused. Obviously, it wasn't the  _ only _ clothes he ever wore. Roman had seen him in a hoodie and sweatpants overnight. So there must be another meaning to the question.

“Leave him alone,” Virgil said.

_ Oh, he's making fun of me. Alright. _

“Listen, I'm just saying that he wears the same thing pretty much every day. It's like a cartoon character. Right, Dad?” Roman said. He looked over his shoulder at the man standing at the stove.

“Well, cartoon characters are known for wearing the same thing all the time,” the man acknowledged. He turned and smiled at Logan. “Hi, there! Do you how do?”

Logan had absolutely no idea how to answer that. He kind of just stared, spinning his ring nervously.

“I'm Emile Picani, Roman’s dad,” he said cheerfully, like he hadn't noticed Logan freezing.

“Roman's last name is Prince?” Logan managed.

“I'm adopted,” Roman told him. “Decided to keep my old last name.”

“Oh.” Logan bit at his lip. He wasn't comfortable bringing his pendant up to his mouth in front of a  _ therapist _ .

“You look positively nervous,” Emile said. “There's nothing to be scared of here.”

Logan wished Patton hadn't needed to go in to work today. He liked Roman and Virgil, sure, but they weren't as safe of people as Patton was. Patton might have been able to slow the pounding heartbeat in his chest, just by being there.

“Lo, you okay?” Virgil asked. “Do you, um, want to sit down and have some pancakes?”

“I'm not hungry,” Logan decided. The way he ate wouldn't be acceptable for a therapist, either. Even if Emile couldn't really do anything to him, he didn't want to be stared at.

“I thought you said pancakes were okay?” Virgil said.

“They are. I'm just not hungry.”

“But you barely ate anything last night, either,” Roman chimed in.

_ Of course not, there was tomato sauce on the pizza. _ “It's fine.”

“Hey, um...come with me for a second?” Virgil said. He led Logan out of the kitchen and brought him down the hallway into Roman’s room, a cozy bedroom walled with Disney and musical posters, fairy lights strung up around the edges. Virgil sat down on the floor and motioned that Logan should do the same. “What's wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“No, seriously, you seemed okay last night. Is it just because Patton isn't here? I'm sorry, Logan, but I think I can tell that something is making you uncomfortable and I wish you would talk to me about it.” Virgil held his hand out.

Logan didn't take it. “Roman's dad,” he mumbled, and he brought his pendant up to his mouth. He didn't bite it, but he kept it there for reassurance.

“What about Emile? He's really nice, honestly, he's pretty cool. Even if he does make too many cartoon references.”

“He is a therapist.”

“Uh-huh.”

Logan waited for Virgil to understand. Almost a minute passed.

“Yeah, he's a therapist,” Virgil said eventually. Logan was pretty sure he sounded confused. “I'm sorry, Logan, I don't know why that's a problem.”

“I...therapists are…” Logan fumbled for words. He didn't have a script to explain this. He should figure one out for future use. “Bad. To me.”

“Therapists are bad to you?”

“That is what I said.”

Virgil sighed and rubbed his eyes. “You've had bad experiences with therapists, then? But Emile isn't like that, he's cool.”

Logan bit his pendant, stroking it against his lip. “It doesn't matter.”

“Can you talk to him? Maybe you'd see that he's really not so bad. He's really easy to talk to, and that's coming from me.”

“It...takes too much energy.”

Virgil tilted his head. “Why would it take more energy than talking to me, or to like, a teacher at school?”

“Because he is a  _ therapist _ ,” Logan repeated.

“Logan, I'm really sorry, I need you to explain it in more words than that,” Virgil said.

Logan made a wordless groan.

“Ah, jeez, I’m really sorry, Lo. I just want to understand. Do you want to go home?” asked Virgil. “If it’s making you that upset, do you just want to go home? I can sit with you in here until your mom gets here, if you want.”

Logan drew his knees up to his chest and hid his face, rocking slightly. “It would be rude to leave like that.”

“No, it wouldn’t. It’s okay, we understand. I mean, I don’t really understand, but I do know that you’re uncomfortable, and it would be rude of  _ us _ to expect you to stay in a situation you’re uncomfortable with.”

Logan wished he could explain why going home wasn’t really the best option, either, how talking to his mother was just as exhausting as talking to a therapist. But at least there was a routine at home, something he could fall back on. And the homework excuse would allow him to stay in his room for hours, probably at least until dinner today. “I apologize,” he said quietly. “I think that would be a good idea.”

“Yeah, of course. Do you want to call your mom, then?”

“I text her. I do not do phone calls.” Logan pulled out his phone.

_ Can you come pick me up? -L _

_ Of course, sweetie! Be there in 15 minutes xxx -M _

“She is on her way. Will you explain to Roman that I am leaving?” Logan asked.

“Sure, sure. Hey, so Patton and I were talking this morning before he left. He’s still feeling a bit sad about what happened yesterday, so my dog Chex and I are gonna go to his house after he gets off work at around six, do you want to come? It would just be us, Roman has rehearsal and Patton’s mom works really late.”

Being with Patton wasn’t as draining as being with anyone else, and he did like dogs. Whether his mother would let him go to someone’s house again after being gone overnight was another story. “I can ask my mom,” Logan said, a bit doubtful. “She doesn’t like it when I leave for too long. I think she does not quite believe that I have made real friends, though she loves that I am acting normal.”

“She sounds...protective?” Virgil said. His voice tilted up at the end of the word, making Logan wonder where the question was.

“Protective, yes.” Logan hid his face in his hands again. “Also of the sincere opinion that my being autistic is a disease. And that I have at least partially been cured of it, since I... _ try _ to pretend to be allistic around her.”

Virgil nodded slowly. “Ah.”

“I…” Logan shook his head. He didn’t have more words for it.

“But it’s...it’s an intrinsic part of you, right?” Virgil asked. “It’s not...something that can be cured.”

“No. It is only something that can be unhealthily repressed.”

“She doesn’t understand that, though.”

“No. She sees me as being separate from my autism, despite the fact that it colors every aspect of my existence and perception of the world. She says if the autism was fully cured, I would…” Logan hesitated. He didn’t talk about this much, to anyone. He hadn’t even talked to Patton about it yet. “I would truly be her son, who she says is...in here somewhere.”

“Shit, Lo.” If Patton was there, he would tell Virgil off for swearing. Logan didn’t, though. “Shit, that really has to sting.”

“It is not ideal.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Virgil reached out slowly, offering Logan his hand again. The thought of being touched made Logan’s skin crawl, and he had to shake his head, hoping Virgil wouldn’t be hurt by his refusal. “Okay, no touching, that’s all good.”

“I would  _ like _ to come to Patton’s house tonight, but I do not think she will let me. I will text you when I know.”

“Sounds good. I’ll tell Patton. About whether you can come, not...anything else you told me,” said Virgil.

“You can tell him about the rest, if you want. It is probably something he and Roman should know, as well as you, in case you ever meet my mother,” Logan replied. “So you are not confused when I act differently around her.”

“Hey, you know what? I’m just really glad you’re comfortable enough around us to act naturally, and to tell me about that. That takes a lot of strength, Logan, I’m really proud of you.”

Logan offered him a thumbs-up. He wasn’t too good with responding to genuine emotion.

“All good, man, it's all good.” Virgil flinched as someone knocked at the door.

“Guys? Are you okay?” Roman called.

“Yeah, Logan isn't feeling really good, his mom is coming to pick him up,” Virgil replied.

“Oh, okay.” Roman opened the door a crack and smiled at Logan. “Hope you feel better! Text us later? Just so we know you're okay.”

“Thanks, I will,” Logan said.

“There's a silver car pulling into the driveway,” called Emile from down the hallway.

“My mom is here.” Logan stood up and rushed out into the living room, grabbing his bag. “Goodbye, I will text you.”

“Feel better, Lo!”

“See you, buddy.” Virgil did a casual two-finger salute as Logan slipped out the door.

_ Time for acting class,  _ Logan thought grimly, and he stretched his face into what he hoped looked like a bright smile. Forcing unnatural inflection into his voice as he climbed into the passenger seat, he said, “Hi, Mom!”

“Hello, my baby boy, did you have fun with your friends?” Mrs. Barry replied. The car backed out of the driveway.

“Yeah, it was...lit.”

“Honey, you know I have no idea what you're saying when you use those new internet slang words.”

_ Yeah, me neither. _


	6. Chapter 6

“Happiness is cuddling with your best friend and his dog,” Patton proclaimed.

“So glad you're happy, Pat,” mumbled Virgil. He wasn't entirely awake, having fallen asleep during the  _ Parks and Recreation  _ marathon that Patton had decided on. He and Patton were curled up on opposite sides of Chex, and the sweet black lab was also taking a nap.

“It’s getting late,” Patton said dejectedly. “You probably have to go home soon, yeah?” He didn’t really want to be all on his own tonight, but his mother had called to say that, once again, she had to spend the night at a hotel instead of making the hour and a half commute back home. He hated that he was the reason she refused to move closer to her new job, because she didn’t want him to be pulled away from his school and his friends. And he also hated that she was right. He knew he would be devastated if they had to move.

“I’m sorry, I’d spend the night if I could,” Virgil sighed. “But my uncle is going somewhere tonight so I have to take care of Dee.”

Patton nodded. Virgil’s little cousin was eleven years old and a complete nightmare who thought it was cool and edgy to lie all the time and do bad magic tricks. He was pretty harmless, though. The worst thing he ever did was to steal Patton’s computer, figure out the password, and send Patton’s email contacts rude messages. It had all been cleared up pretty quickly, and Dee had been grounded for a month. “Good luck with that.”

“Thanks,” Virgil said dryly. He yawned.

Pulling his phone out, Patton quickly checked for any text messages. Nothing. He sighed loudly.

“Still waiting for Logan to reply?”

“I just...after what you told me about the things he said this morning, about his mom and therapists...I just…I want to talk to him, that's all. Make sure he's feeling okay.” Patton put his phone away.

“I don't think he does the whole ‘talking about feelings’ very much, Patty,” Virgil said.

“He has feelings!” Patton said vehemently. “He's not a robot!”

“Whoa, hey,” Virgil exclaimed as Chex lifted her head in alarm at the raised voice. “Patton, I didn't say that. He just doesn't seem to like  _ talking _ about his feelings, that's all. I don't think he always has the words for them.”

“Which is why we have to listen,  _ really _ listen,” Patton stated. He rubbed Chex’s ears to tell her that everything was okay. “I want him to feel welcome and loved and heard, Virge. And he opened up to you a little this morning. That's a good thing.”

“You know, if anyone can get him to open up more, it's you, Pat,” Virgil said affectionately. He glanced at the clock. “Aw, heck, I've gotta go. If I leave any later, I'll have to walk really fast to get home before Uncle Remy leaves, and letting Dee be home alone is not a good idea.”

“I can drive you,” Patton offered for about the twentieth time.

“Sorry. Chex needs the walk, and so do I.” Virgil hopped to his feet and grabbed Chex’s leash off the coffee table while Patton pressed a few kisses to the dog’s head. “Bye, Patty.”

“Walk safely!” Patton implored.

“I will, I promise.” Virgil ruffled Patton’s hair and headed out the door.

After locking the door behind Virgil, Patton slumped down onto the couch with his arms crossed. He was already lonely. It was at times like this that he wished he had a pet. Every day at work, he was tempted to come home with one of the animals. But he was allergic to cats, his mother was afraid of dogs, and whatever animal he took home wouldn’t be able to go with him to college next year, and that would just be cruel. Well, he could take a fish, but fish weren’t  _ company _ . They were beautiful pets, but they couldn’t be held and snuggled.

As he sat there, wallowing in his own misery, his phone vibrated. He pulled it out of his pocket and sat up a bit taller when he saw that it was Logan who had texted him. His heart did a little stutter with excitement.

_ I apologize for not responding sooner, my mother wanted to take me to run errands. When I returned home, I was too tired to engage in human interaction. -L _

_ That’s ok! Are u feeling better now? -P _

_ I am no longer so exhausted. -L _

_ Good! So, hey, Virge told me about what you told him this morning -P _

_ Yes, I told him he could. -L _

_ Do you think you could explain a little more why you didn’t want to talk to Ro’s dad? Would it be easier over text? -P _

_ I do not think so. Apologies. Perhaps some other time. -L _

Patton sighed in disappointment, but if Logan wasn’t ready to talk about it, he wouldn’t press.

_ That’s ok! I’m here when/if you’re ready <3 -P _

_ Sorry you couldn’t come over this afternoon, you’d like Chex! You wanna hang out tomorrow? -P _

_ I would like that very much, but I have to talk to my mother about it. I will let you know what her answer is. -L _

_ No rush! <3 -P _

Patton put his phone down and rubbed his eyes. He suddenly realized that he was pretty tired. Going to bed early didn’t sound like a bad idea. He headed to his room and put on his softest pajamas, deciding that he would go to bed as happy as he could. When he went to check his phone again, there was another message.

_ My mother says she would prefer me to stay home, but that you are welcome to come to our house, if that is agreeable to you. -L _

Unable to help a squeak of excitement, Patton bounced on his toes a little before he could respond.

_ That sounds great!!!!! Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there! -P _

_ My mother will be gone most of the day for a church event, but she has agreed to take me home after morning services, so anytime after 11 a.m. would be fine. -L _

_ I’ll have an early lunch at home and show up around noon, then? -P _

_ That will be fine. -L _

_ I’ll need ur address, though! -P _

Patton rushed to the bathroom to brush his teeth quickly and returned to his room. Logan had sent a text with his address.

_ Thanks! Ah I’m very excited to see what your house looks like!!!!! -P _

_ I am excited to show you. -L _

_ I’m gonna go to bed early, goodnight! See you tomorrow!!!!! <3 -P _

_ See you tomorrow. -L _

Flushed with happiness and excitement, his loneliness forgotten, Patton curled up under his covers and hugged one of his numerous pillows to his chest. He didn't know exactly why he was so giddy about seeing Logan tomorrow--after all, he had  _ just _ talked to him last night. But he didn't examine the feeling too closely, choosing instead to snuggle down further in his bed and fall asleep.

The next morning, he found himself taking an extra long shower, leaving the conditioner in for probably a little longer than was necessary to make his hair extra soft. He spent a while agonizing over what clothes to wear. (Logan had a hard time touching some textures, and what if he wanted a hug but couldn't because Patton’s shirt was the wrong material? That was an unacceptable thought for Patton.) In the end, he decided on a light blue t-shirt that had been washed so many times it was practically threadbare, but still looked nice, and a pair of denim shorts.

He stared at his face in the mirror, ruffling up his hair for maximum curliness and considering whether or not to put on makeup. He put on just a tiny bit of mascara and decided that was enough. Besides, he didn't want to cover up his freckles. They were his best feature.

_ Why are you paying so much attention to this? _ a quiet voice in his head asked.  _ It's not like it's something Logan would care about. And why do  _ you _ care, anyway? _

Patton ignored the voice. He just wanted to make sure he looked nice, that's all. That wasn't anything weird! Right? Right.

A couple minutes past noon, he nervously knocked at the door of the address Logan had sent him. Logan opened the door. He looked tired, but he greeted Patton and brought him inside.

“Your house is really nice!” Patton said cheerfully. The walls were spotlessly light grey, the hardwood floors shiny and a little slippery. A small bookcase in the living room was perfectly organized with a few books and some potted plants, looking like something out of a stock photo or a home renovation show. Decorative pillows were poised neatly on the clean blue couch and a fish tank bubbled in the corner next to the small television. Patton rushed over to see the fish. There was one bright red and purple betta fish that fluttered around in the middle of the tank amongst some fake plants and a large rock with several nooks and small caves to hide in. “That's a very pretty fish! Does he have a name?”

“My mother thought it would be silly to name a fish, but I call him Ian,” Logan said.

“Ian?” Patton repeated, thinking that was a rather strange name for a fish.

“After Ian Chesterton, one of the first Doctor's first three companions along with Barbara Wright and the Doctor's granddaughter Susan,” Logan explained. “But Barbara and Susan are traditionally female names, and...well, the fish is a male. I know it doesn't matter, but it seemed important at the time.”

Patton giggled. “I like it! Hi, Ian!” He put his hand on the side of the tank. Ian swam over and opened and closed his mouth a few times, swishing his tail aggressively. “He wants to fight me!”

“They are called Siamese fighting fish for a reason,” said Logan.

“I  _ betta _ it’s because they're from Siam?” Patton teased.

“Well, yes, but also because they are known for their aggression and--and you're joking, aren't you?”

“I work in a pet store, Lo-lo, I know why they're called fighting fish.” Patton grinned at him. “I also know that this is a  _ fin _ -tastic set-up for a betta! Good on ya for not shoving the poor guy in a jar.”

“My mother wanted a decorative vase for him, but I did manage to convince her otherwise.”

“My heart breaks every time I know a customer isn't gonna listen to me about the importance of a tank and filter for bettas and goldfish,” Patton sighed.

“It is so detrimental to the fish’s health, I fail to understand why anyone would do such a thing if they know the facts,” Logan stated.

“A lot of people don't know the facts. Others just...don't care. They say, ‘it's just a fish, who cares if it doesn't live as long as it could?’ Nevermind the fact that the poor fish would be totally miserable and bored out of its mind the whole time. Some people just have no empathy.”

“Empathy does not make someone a good person,” Logan said, his voice slightly strained.

“Huh?” Patton said absently, moving his hand along the glass and watching Ian follow it.

“I have very low empathy scores, and I would never harm an animal.”

Patton stood up straight. “Of course you wouldn't! I'm sorry, Logan, I didn't mean to imply anything like that.”

Logan was spinning his ring, gazing down at the floor and shifting in place. “It's alright. People make that mistake a lot.”

“That doesn't make it okay or right,” Patton said.

“No, but I know that you meant no harm and you were not insulting me.” Logan stopped swaying, his posture becoming more relaxed and his head raising slightly.

“Good, I'm glad.”

“Would you like to come to my room?” Logan offered.

“Sure!” Patton said brightly. He followed Logan down the brightly lit hallway, noticing the family pictures on the wall. There was no evidence of a father, but a lot of pictures of Logan and someone Patton assumed was his mother. There were several motivational wooden signs, and a few crosses. Once again, Patton thought that the house looked like something from a home makeover show.

Logan opened a door. “This is my room,” he said.

The room had a wooden floor, but a light blue rug covered most of it. The walls were painted darker blue, and the bed was raised with a ladder, a desk underneath. A black, three-drawered dresser sat in one corner, and the rest of the wall was lined with bookshelves. A few papers, pieces of clothes, and various other items were strewn in a corner. It was the only sign of disarray Patton had seen in the entire house so far.

Posters in simple black frames were put up on the walls. Some were from shows and movies Patton recognized, like one of  _ Big Hero 6 _ and a few he knew were various adaptations of  _ Sherlock Holmes _ . There were plenty of  _ Doctor Who _ posters as well. Logan sat down on his bed, gathering the comforter up in his hands.

“It's a really cool room!” Patton looked up at the ceiling. “Y’know, I pinned you as someone who would have those glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.”

Logan bounced slightly. “I don't have those, but...I do have a secret planetarium.”

“A what?” Patton asked, confused.

“My mother does not know that I bought it.” Logan rushed over to his closet and pulled out a bag from the very back. He tossed away a few pieces of clothes at the top of the bag and then took out something that sort of looked like a clear glass globe on a plastic base. He placed it down on the floor in the middle of the room.

Intrigued, Patton sat down on the floor next to the device as Logan took the cord that hung off of it and plugged it into a power strip by the desk. He then turned off the lights and drew the blackout curtains across the windows. Logan came back over in the darkness, laying down on his back on the ground. Patton mirrored him.

When Logan turned the switch on the base of the device, a bulb inside the globe began to glow. It projected patterns of stars up on the ceiling, the constellations marked and labelled.

“Whoa,” Patton breathed.

“She doesn't really let me go outside at night,” Logan said softly. “So I had to bring the stars inside. You can turn the globe to project the night sky on any day of the year from either the northern or southern hemisphere.”

“Really? What does it look like tonight?” Patton asked.

Logan fiddled with something and the projected image twisted slightly. “Like this.”

“So if I went outside tonight and looked up, that's where the stars would be?”

“Yes.”

“Logan, that's amazing.”

“I agree.”

Patton looked over at him. The light from the bulb made Logan's eyes sparkle. He was still looking at the ceiling. “It's really amazing,” Patton repeated. “I could look at it for hours.”

“Me, too.”

“Hey, Logan? Can I hold your hand?” Patton asked. His heartbeat quickened. He wasn't sure why, though, because they had held hands before.

“Alright,” Logan agreed.

Patton's stomach swooped as he clasped Logan's hand. They continued stargazing for a while. Logan set the planetarium to rotate slowly, changing the seasons. Patton tried to memorize where each of the constellations were so he could go outside tonight and look for them.

Eventually, the two of them decided that they had looked at the stars for long enough. Logan carefully hid the planetarium back into his closet. “Is there anything you would like to do now?” Logan asked.

Patton looked around the room. His eyes fell onto one of the  _ Doctor Who  _ posters. “I mean, if you wanted to...you could show me a couple episodes of  _ Doctor Who _ ? I've been meaning to watch it for a while but Virgil hasn't had time to watch it with me and I like starting shows with other people.”

“Really?” Logan said. His voice squeaked a little. “You  _ actually _ would like that? You aren't just saying that to make me happy, are you?”

“No, I really want to watch it!” Patton insisted.

Logan's hand went up in a sharp flapping movement at his shoulder level, his thumb tucked underneath his pointer finger. His entire body bounced a few times. Patton had to try not to blush at how  _ beautiful _ Logan looked when he expressed excitement. “The best place to start for someone new to the show, in my opinion, is with the 2005 reboot series with the 9th Doctor played by Christopher Eccleston, on the episode called  _ Rose _ , which is the name of his companion, Rose Tyler--the special effects and, really, some of the plot are a bit difficult to take seriously, but if you know that beforehand and you are not expecting a masterpiece of CGI and plot, you can appreciate the messages that the writers want to show you, about humanity and friendship and hope, and--" Logan stopped talking.

“Lo? Lo, I want to hear what you have to say,” Patton said gently. “I care. I'm listening.”

“I'm sorry--” Logan shook his head sharply, several times. “I know you are only being polite and that I should not bother you by talking so much about something that doesn't matter to you.”

“What? Logan, hey…” Patton stretched his hand out halfway between them, offering it to his friend. “Hey, listen. I know it's hard to believe that someone wants to hear you if you've been told to stop talking all your life. But I want to hear you. I enjoy listening to you talk about the things you love, and I don't want you to stop. You aren't annoying me. You aren't talking too much. And what you have to say  _ does _ matter to me, because  _ you _ matter to me. Do you understand?”

Logan shrank back. He looked very small. “You aren't lying?”

“I don't lie, Logan. Not about things like that.”

“A-alright.” Slowly, Logan reached out and touched his hand. “I think I can believe you. May I get my laptop then, to show you the first episode? If that is really what you want.”

Patton nodded enthusiastically. “Please do!”

Logan got his laptop off of his desk and turned it on, pulling up Amazon Prime and finding the episode he had mentioned. They ended up sitting on his bed with the laptop on a stack of textbooks in front of them. Their shoulders touched and their hands were clasped together as they watched.

Five minutes after the episode had ended, Patton was still rolling around on the floor giggling about plastic ‘pizza’ Mickey. “Oh my goodness, Lo, and he was just like ~ _ pizza~ _ and she didn't even notice?! And the! The sticky garbage can that just  _ swallowed him _ , I can't, I can't--"

“It wasn't  _ all _ ridiculous,” Logan defended, sounding almost hurt.

“No! Of course not, it was actually really beautiful and poignant but like--~ _ pizza _ ~! The  _ champagne cork-- _ ” And Patton cracked up again.

Logan joined him after a minute, laughing softly in the way he had of just quirking up the corner of his mouth and humming. And that was so adorable that Patton fell into hysterical laughter again, because how  _ else _ was he supposed to deal with someone so cute?!

When Patton could finally wipe away the tears of laughter from his eyes and climb back up on the bed, he had only three words to say. “So...next episode?”


	7. Chapter 7

“GCAT PUPY PUPY,” Virgil chanted, his palms pressed to his temples. “Guanine and adenine are purines, cytosine and thymine are pyrimidines. Right?”

Logan nodded. “Correct. Well remembered.”

“Thank God for mnemonics.” Virgil popped a chip into his mouth. “Okay. Okay. What else is on the study guide?”

“It says to understand 5’ and 3’ directionality, decoding amino acid sequencing, and be able to explain the process of DNA replication as well as translation from DNA to proteins,” Logan said, summarizing the study guide for what was probably the fourth or fifth time. Although he knew that Virgil obviously knew the material, he got anxious during tests. He had asked Logan to help study with him so he felt more prepared.

“I feel like I know all of that, but there's got to be a catch, right? I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna fail.” He started to breathe too quickly.

Chex, who had been resting on the floor next to Virgil's chair, sat up. She nudged Virgil's leg with her nose and let out a soft whine.

Virgil buried his hand in the fur on the back of the dog's neck and took a deep breath. “No, I'm probably not going to fail. I've never failed a test in this class before, and I've been doing all the work.”

“I don't believe that you will fail,” Logan agreed. He twisted the ring on his finger, not sure what else to say. 

He wanted to help Virgil, but anxiety was complicated and Logan wasn't great at complicated emotions. Logan figured it was probably best to leave that to Patton. And Chex, of course. The sweet black lab was so in tune with Virgil's anxiety that she could tell even before he started to have an attack and would remind him to redirect his energy into more productive avenues.

“Would you like to keep studying?” asked Logan. “I have vocabulary cards for the whole unit, and there is always a vocabulary section on the test.”

Virgil nodded. “Sure, vocab practice sounds good. Hey, um, thanks again for coming over to study with me. It's nice to have a friend in that class now, I'm less stressed about it.”

Logan thought that Virgil still seemed very stressed. He didn't voice that opinion. “Codon,” he said, holding up the first vocabulary card.

“Uhh, uh, it's any series of three nitrogen bases that code for a specific amino acid, right?”

“Correct. Peptide bond.”

Virgil looked up at the ceiling. “It's...uh, well, peptide is referring to proteins, so...bonds between proteins?”

“Bonds between amino acids,” Logan corrected. “Okasaki fragments.”

“Oh shit,” Virgil muttered. “Um, something about the leading strand?”

“Lagging strand. Okazaki fragments are the stretches of DNA that are copied piece by piece on the lagging strand,” said Logan. He spun the ring on his finger again. He hoped that Virgil wouldn't get worried that he wasn't getting all of the vocabulary right.

“Right! I remember now.”

“Operon.”

“Oh, hey, I know this one. A group of genes that are functionally related,” Virgil said.

“Correct. Intron.”

They kept going until all of the vocabulary cards had been discussed. Logan put aside the ones that Virgil had struggled on so he could keep looking at them later.

“Seriously, thank you so much for coming and helping me out,” Virgil said. “I feel much better about the test on Thursday.”

Logan flicked his hand up near the side of his face. “You're welcome,” he said.

“I don't think I'm going to be able to cram much more into my brain right now, I need a break. Hey, how's the Doctor Who marathon with Patton going?” Virgil wondered.

With a slight bounce in his seat, Logan replied, “We watched  _ Boom Town _ this weekend! On Wednesday afternoon, he is coming to my house to watch  _ Bad Wolf _ and  _ The Parting of Ways _ !”

Virgil leaned forward. “Oh, man, you're already almost to Nine's regeneration? Does Patton know it's coming?”

“Yes, and he says that he will miss Eccleston, but that he's seen David Tennant in other things and is looking forward to meeting Ten,” Logan said happily. He hummed to himself for a second before adding, “I am looking forward to reaching Ten's episodes, he is my favorite modern Doctor.”

“I gotta say, I like Capaldi. He's grumpier. More my style. Though Tennant at the end of his run is cool, he gets dark and edgy.” Virgil grinned. “The new season with Jodie Whittaker was freaking fantastic, too.”

“Much agreed,” Logan said. “I appreciate having a larger group of companions again, and the diversity has improved recently.”

Virgil scratched Chex behind the ears. “Yeah, big team TARDIS's are fun. One of my favorites was at the end of  _ Journey's End _ was when they were all flying the TARDIS like she's supposed to be flown.”

Logan nodded. “May I ask you a question?” he said suddenly.

“Yeah, course.”

“What does it feel like to you when you are excited about something? Such as when you are talking about or watching Doctor Who, or listening to the music you like?” Logan asked.

There was a long pause as Virgil thought about that. “It makes me happy, I guess.”

“How does it physically feel?” Logan pressed.

“Oh, jeez, I'm not sure. It almost makes me feel peaceful? Like, um, listening to my music makes my mind slow down for just a little while. My body feels more relaxed afterwards. Same with watching something I like. It's a comfort, almost.” Virgil tapped his fingers against the table. “This is a tough question, dude.”

Logan leaned back in his chair. “I apologize.”

“No, it's okay. Really, I just need to think for a minute. Um...it feels warm in my chest sometimes. I guess that's about it. Well, starting a new episode almost feels like anxiety for me. But then again, most emotions turn into anxiety for me. That's just how anxiety works,” Virgil said. Then he asked, “What does it feel like for you?”

Putting his hands on his chest, Logan says, “I'm not sure. I have alexithymia, so I have a difficult time labeling emotions. I can sometimes describe it in physical sensations, though. And my excitement about my special interests feels like my heart and my lungs and my stomach are all on fire, if being on fire felt good and didn't hurt.”

“Sounds intense.”

“It is.” Logan looked down as Chex put her head against his leg. Her sweet brown eyes blinked up at him, and a soft warmth spread through his chest. “Hello,” he said. “Hello, Chex. Your ears are very soft.” He stroked her head.

“She wants to make sure that you're okay,” Virgil said. “She...she can hear changes in people's voices and checks up on them, even if it isn't me.”

“I'm alright. I don't have excellent volume control, or tone control. I never know what I sound like, exactly.” He couldn't tear his eyes away from the beautiful dog. “But I suppose that talking about my experiences with emotion do cause me some distress, which could have emerged in my voice without my noticing.”

Virgil stood up and walked over to the living room. “Want to come sit over here, Lo?” he offered.

“Um, alright.” Logan went over to join him. Chex followed him, and all three of them sat down on the ground. “Why?”

“Why does talking about your emotions distress you?” Virgil asked.

Logan froze up. “Because they are difficult,” he said slowly. “And I do not understand them. I do not like talking to people about things I do not understand.”

“Are you worried that someone might tell you that your emotions are wrong?”

A confused, bad feeling swirled around inside him. Chex laid her head and front paws in his lap, and he felt calmer. “Perhaps, but I'm not sure that I understand the question,” Logan admitted, running his hands down the dog's fur. It was almost as soothing as a full-body stim, and the pressure of her weight against his legs added to that effect.

“I mean, do you think that someone will come along and tell you that the way you are labeling your emotions is wrong? That the words you use to describe your experiences are incorrect?” Virgil tried to clarify.

“Yes, that is what happens.” It had happened many times before. The way he tried to describe what he was feeling to his mother or to his therapists had often been misinterpreted or simply ignored because it didn't make sense. Logan had learned to keep quiet about what he was feeling.

“But you're talking to me about it, even though it...scares you?” Virgil checked. “Is that right?”

Logan shifted. “Yes.”

Virgil smiled. “I think that means you trust me. Thank you.”

“I do trust you,” Logan said. “And I have learned that you and Patton and Roman are worthy of my trust. You've never once tried to make me act normally, or made fun of me.”

“It sucks that the bar is so low,” sighed Virgil.

Logan kept petting Chex. “I don't know that that means, exactly, in this context.”

“Um, it means that I don't think that somebody not laughing at you or trying to change you into something you're not should be the bar, the threshold or limit, for whether or not you can trust them. I mean...I guess what I really mean is that it sucks that you don't get that from  _ everyone _ . In a perfect world, nobody would make fun of anyone or try to change them,” Virgil explained.

“But we do not live in a perfect world,” Logan reminded him.

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know that very well.”

Chex whined softly and raised her head to look at Virgil. Her tail thumped a few times against the floor, and he scooted closer to put his hand on her back. He closed his eyes. Logan didn't say anything. They sat there petting Chex in silence for a while, and it was a soothing silence. Logan felt much calmer and less bad by the time his mother arrived to pick him up and take him home. 

He sat in the living room and watched Ian flutter around his plants as the afternoon trailed on. His mother chatted to him as she cleaned and prepared dinner, but he wasn't listening. He was off in his own head, trying to imagine a perfect world.


End file.
